Broken Pieces

I have been trying to figure out how and where to begin. And I am still not really sure how to. I have always imagined that I would write my life in a book. I was always been too scared to actually let everyone know it was me, so it was going to be fiction. I was going to name it “Broken Pieces” because that is how I always saw myself. I have been BROKEN into a billion little pieces and I never really thought I would ever be whole again. There is a song I love because it says it all. It is called Broken by Lindsey Haun. This verse from the song says it all:

“Little girl don't be so blue, I know what you're goin through. Don't let it beat you up. Heaven knows that getting scars only makes you who you are...only makes you who you are.”

The first part of the verse is a calling to me. I need to understand I am not the first and only person to go through abuse and I will not be the last. BUT, I can be there for other little girls who feel alone and Broken. I also know my scars have made me the person I am. Yes, I dreamed of being a Cosby Kid or having a dad like Tony from “Who’s the Boss?” But if I had grown up like that, I wouldn’t be ME.  

My mom was very young when she had me. She was 16 and my father was 19 and from what I understand he was married to another woman. I do not know the details surrounding their relationship; my mom to this day never really talks about him. All she has ever told me was that he was a good man in a bad situation. He has 2 other daughters, one is 1 year older than me and the other is 6 months younger than me. He has never been part of my life until I showed up at his door when I was 19. It was a nice meeting and he kept in touch for a couple years but now nothing. I admire my mom because she has never talked bad about him. He was never there for her; he never paid child support, or gave her any support.  She always allowed me to make my own opinion concerning him. When I was little I always dreamed one day he would just come save me. Like he could feel my pain and eventually it would be too much for him to bear and he would come protect me from my monsters. That’s what Daddy’s are supposed to do.  But he never did.

I did find a Father who saved me and His love is stronger than anything I could ever expect from this man who really was only a sperm donor. I have another song to reference that explains this perfectly (you may get sick of my song references, but music is my outlet). This song is by Joel Engle it is called “Father I Never Had. “  I really want to post this whole song, it is so powerful. Instead I will share the chorus:

“You're the Father I never had
And Your love never changes, through the good times and the bad
You're the Father I never had
Just hold me in Your arms and heal me of the past and be the Father I never had”

You see even though my biological father was never there and probably never will be. But now I have a Father in Heaven that will never leave me. He will be there through all and He is capable of healing me. He can take all those billion Broken Pieces of me and make me whole again. If you had told me this 20, 15, or even seven years ago, I would have laughed. How could anyone take all of my hurt, pain, and make me feel like I am useful. But He did that. God was able to help me work through some hardest details of my life and Forgive the people that caused it. He loves me and has found a way to use someone like me to reach others.  

If you have the time, go on youtube and listen to these 2 songs. I hope they touch you like they have touched me.

I am not sure that I am qualified to be a blogger. I really always thought blogging was for "important" people who had amazing things to share. And then I read a blog by a friend who just shared her life and it was nice. I have always thought God's intention for me was to write about my life to share the many trails I have been through, to help others. Every time I felt this calling from God, I thought "yeah right God, I cannot write a book." So maybe this can be my way of doing what God has been guiding me to for many, many years now.

There are several things I need to say before I begin sharing my journey with you. Some of the things I have been through are hard to understand, cruel, vivid, embarrassing, and hurtful. I want you to understand I am afraid to share some because I am afraid of judgment and I am afraid that some members of my family will get upset with me. My intention is not to embarrass or hurt anyone in my family but to share how I became the person I am even through all the nightmares I endured. I also want to show you how God can help you to forgive people who have harmed you and use someone not worthy of anything but death, eternal life.

I am not sure how often I will post or if it will be in any kind of certain order. I just know I feel like this is what I should be doing. I ask if you join me on this journey, that you keep me lifted up in prayer. I pray my family will understand and be supportive. I also pray that you not judge me or my family, especially my mother. For some reason this is the journey I was meant to take and it led me to the arms of my loving and gracious Father.